How to Pass an Employment Survey!

Whether you’re attending University or just going through the motions, employment is a cornerstone of survival. After all, how else is one expected to peruse happiness if not through the hamster wheel of paying bills and going to work? One cannot expect to fulfull the American dream (let alone fight recession and terrorism) merely watching American television, eating American food and shopping at multi-national corporate retail chains. Quite simply, it’s just not enough. If you really want to get your “Yes We Can” on, you need to become dutifully employed by one of these industries. How else can one be expected to afford patriotism? The answer? Success.

At this point you might be thinking: “Gee wiz, I want to be a success! I want to be employed!” But you’re not alone. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, about one in every ten Americans is out of a job! What a bunch of fucking slackers. You don’t want to be one of them do you? Of course not. AND, you are in luck - as most unemployed people simply have yet to learn an attitude of success. This guide will give you the jump-start you need to mold your flabby, cookie-dough mentality into a rigid, subservient, unfeeling one suitable for gainful employment.

The first mistake people make is misdefining success. Primarily, people do not understand that success is not only measurable, but easy to attain! Success cannot be measured with things like: happiness, health, or liberty because, as yet, there is no legally sanctioned unit of value to assign to these imaginary, qualitative, theoretical states. Therefore; success is measured by the value of one’s material properties, skills and account balance, as all nationalized citizens (gays excluded) have equal access to these parameters of success. In this way, success is a responsibility rather than some wishy-washy, hippie-dippy, new-age philosophy that’s based on the biassed and sometimes even politically incorrect inclinations of the individual. Success, rather, is a unit of value that increases as other, larger and more successful entities so too gain value. For instance, selling a wireless communication device you built yourself is not being as successful a person as you could be. After all, can your wireless device play movies, transfer money between bank accounts and sell property in Mafia Wars? Probably not. And even if it did, you would just be stealing business from larger, more successful businesses like Apple and AT&T which, honestly, since they provide charitable employment and meet national standards for environmental safety, are just too big to fail. So, if you ever get confused, success for the individual is measured by the amount of security you can provide to your employer in the form of profit!

Once you truly understand this philosophy of success, you’re practically there already. However, if you still have a few sticking points, I have compiled three of the most frequently missed questions on your average employment application survey. Answering these questions correctly will not only help you stand-out from other applicants but give you better insight into the philosophy of success.

EXAMPLE 1: "When we contact your most recent managers (or teachers), how will they rate your quality of work?

The answer to this question might, AT FIRST, seem obvious. Upon closer inspection, however, we find that the correct answer is B.) “somewhat above average.” The reason is two-fold. As the image shows, this question was numbered 108 out of 134. However, it was also question number 4, 31, 47, 68, 92 AND 108. In affect, this is a test to see if you are mentally capable of lying, forgetting about it and sticking to the story later by sheer habit alone - as this is an important characteristic to have when dealing with customers. Choosing “average,” “somewhat below average,” and “well below average” instantly disqualifies you as it either means you are overly honest or even worse, unprofitable. Choosing “Well above average” will also get you immediately disqualified as it is either an indicator of you being OBVIOUSLY full of shit (since you clearly lost your employment for some reason) or you REALLY ARE too ambitious to be anything more than a threat to the hiring manager’s paycheck. Choose: “somewhat above average” and choose it EVERY time.

EXAMPLE 2:"Usually I will stay with a company, even if I am offered a similar with job with slightly higher pay."

So your future employer wants to know if you’ll just UP AND LEAVE if you’re offered better rewards at a different job. And who wouldn’t? You. That’s who. Your future employer is afraid that you might believe in free-market capitalism and is concerned about hiring people that may pay attention to competitive benefits and pay rate. Take note: This employer will pay minimum wage and has the self-righteous inclination to believe that their training is more valuable than you are. Answering “low” will prove that you’re a liar and answering high means you are unfit for employment. Choose neutral.

EXAMPLE 3: "How do you prefer to pay your bills?"

This question is meant to assess wether or not you, the applicant, pays his or her bills by mail, text, internet, in person or by phone. Acting more like a filter, this question is seeing if the applicant will submit to random and (in this case) arbitrary forays into his/her personal life for benefit of the company. Choosing readily means you’re an ideal applicant. Closing the survey will result in disqualification for employment.

Good luck out there in Job Market ’10! And remember, the company is always right!